So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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