I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
