by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
