Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
