So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
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Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
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I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
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