He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
