tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
