I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
