Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
