we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
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