a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
