I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Even my vagina gasped.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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