i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
