things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
