It's like God shit irony all over that family
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
