Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
