chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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