Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
