he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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