Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
