My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
