I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
