You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Randomize
