He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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