yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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