When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
