so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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