You kept calling me your small dog last night.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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