I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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