A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
