i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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