it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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