my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My hand turned me down
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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