Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
