my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
