I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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