Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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