You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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