3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
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Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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