anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
