totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
