the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
