IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dating After Heartbreak
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night