my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.