so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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