his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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