Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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