I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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