Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
