just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I need a burrito and a hug.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
