dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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