i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
She needs sedatives and a leash
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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