I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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